Funny story

Today, my job had it's annual holiday lunch at this real trendy reataurant downtown. All of us caught the train into the city TOGETHER aside from a few stragglers who were too "good" to hop on a train.

One of those stragglers was one of the higher ups... a dean. She's old as dirt and very snooty.
Well she was very late and everyone was wondering her whereabouts. She finally walks in when we are almost finished eating and tells us that she had trouble finding the place. Serves ya right, ya shoulda came with the rest of us.

Here's the kicker...
She told us she walked right past the restaurant and ended up going into another "restaurant" for directions. Turns out this other restaurant was actually a GENTLEMEN'S CLUB !!!!

When she said that, I could not hold the laughter inside! I was ROLLIN"!!!

I could just imagine this little old lady walking in and the looks she got from the patrons inside. She probably said "excuse me dear in the thong... could you tell me where..."

CLASSIC!

Currently listening: Touch By Amerie Release date: By 19 July, 2005

I'm the worst when I'm sleepy

I was at a boring ass meeting this afternoon. I really didn't even need to be there, but my boss insisted I attend. BIG MISTAKE!

I was making sure i had something to eat before I went into the meeting... ain't nothing worse then having to sit through a meeting hungry. So I scarfed down half of this GIGANTIC chicken cheesesteak that I had.

It was so M' EFFIN' good too!

Fast foward to the meeting.

I'm in there trying my best to pay attention, then I'm daydreaming.

Next thing you know, BAM!!!

My head did one of those HARD dips.You know the kind where your head falls so hard that it feels like it's gonna snap off your neck?

I think I heard my neck crack.

It startled me and I had to hurry and compose myself...

rustled the papers that were in front of me

acted like I was taking notes

looked around ever so slightly to make sure no one saw me almost fall onto the table.

Someone had the nerve to ask me a question. I had no idea what the hell I was asked so I must have sounded like a complete idiot when I responded.
I was so embarrassed.

It would have helped if the temperature in that damn room wasn't 95 degrees.

Just call me The Enforcer

Today seemed as if it would be a typical day at work-

I arrived on time.

I had already eaten my breakfast at home so I didn't have to worry about my stomach acting crazy and pushing me to think about food and not about work (hunger has a strange power over me)

My emails were checked and I was working on a couple projects before I had my afternoon meetings.

Then it happened...

A faculty member ran into my office saying (verbatim), " I need for you to come and help me to PHYSICALLY remove a student from the lab!"

I threw off my glasses, ripped my shirt open, and revealed the Golden 'S' on my chest.
I don't like people messing with my people, so I immediately went into action.

"Who does this student think he is?!? He MUST not not know who he is dealing with!"

I went into the lab and the unruly student saw me and began packing his things up. I felt like a cop.

"What's the problem?", I asked him.

"Ahh, no problem, I'm leaving now", he said.

"I bet you are leaving now... PACK IT UP BITCH!", I tole him.
(some of this dialougue has been edited for dramatic effect)

Then I kicked him in the ass as he was leaving out the door.
(ok, that didn't really happen either)

But I still felt like a hero. There was a room full of people and this one guy left because I told him to leave. He didn't leave when asked by another figure of authority, but for me. It was kind of weird... I'm like the same age as these students, but I kinda have their respect.

Go figure.

I saw the BIGGEST cockroach ever!

I'm telling you guys, this had to be some kind of mutated roach that escaped from some lab where the US gubment planned on breeding these monsters to fight wars for us.

This bug was amazingly huge and really didn't seem to be afraid of me when I entered the room. But now that I think about it, why should it have been? It damn near weighed the same as me.


I was so effin' grossed out. When I first saw it, I was kinda startled. I didn't expect to see a bug, let alone a freak of nature like this in the faculty/ staff lounge at my workplace. WE EAT IN THERE YALL!!! I never would have dreamed that I would see any critters in that place. It's kept pretty clean.

My heart was racing at this point. I was alone with a predator. I went immediately into survival mode, it was either kill or be killed, and I'll be a monkey's uncle if I were to be murdered by a bug.

I squished it.

Well, it was more of a crunch rather than a squish.

And it chewed through my shoe.

LMAO!

No it didn't.

I left its trembling carcass in the middle of the floor for all to see. And ran out of the room.
I returned a short while later to the scene of the crime. I left my Pepsi in there and I was extremely thirsty. I entered the room slowly, just in case the roaches cousins and dem was waiting to jump me when I came back. Luckily, I wasn't attacked.

But guess what?!?!

The roach wasn't there anymore!

I think it crawled away. It did the "I'm gonna make him think I'm dead" trick on me. I thought I stomped it dead. I guess I didn't grind it into the floor enough.

So now, whenever I go back into that room, I am extra cautious. I know that roach is nursing itself back to health and as soon as it's at 100% it's coming back. This isn't over by any means, but I'm ready. I never run away from a fight.



Bring it bitch!

Dysfunctionality

I think I may have possibly made that word up (dysfunctionality) but that's what exists in my family life. My immediate family is a complete and utter mess. I sometimes feel as if I'm the only normal, sane one. But that would mean the dysfunction gene (I think it may be genetic) would have skipped me... yet it is alive, thriving, and multiplying in even my twin sister, which I find odd. If I told you all just half the stuff that has gone down, what we are currently going through, and what's yet to come, I don't think you would believe me, so I think I will keep it to myself. Additionally, I don't want to air anyone's dirty laundry. I might however write a book- promise you, it would be a best-seller.It might even make it to Oprah's book club.

My mom tries so hard to keep it all together but I really think she needs to give it up. I guess I respect her efforts, but it isn't working- it hasn't worked for years. But just like a mother, she will continue to be the tape (not even glue) that keeps it all together. Mom is dealing with enough issues herself, she doesn't need to be worrying and taking care of adult fools.

We all grew up under the same conditions, but how is it that I turned out so completely different than the rest of them? Growing up wasn't the best but it damn sure wasn't the worst either. I am thankful that I went to some of the best schools that Philadelphia had to offer, and I think attending these schools kept me out of trouble and focused on achieving my best. I thank God that I have developed a few friendships over the years that have worked as an escape from what goes/went on at home. My friends have been there when I needed them most and I love you as if you are blood.

Tracy, my big sis... I love you and I know that you will make it through. Don't listen to anything they have to say... you have come a long way and will continue to succeed in everything you put your mind to. You are absolutely correct, and I'm glad you understand why I have distanced myself from it all. I'm not running away from anything, but I am attempting to eliminate any aspect of negativity that creeps into my life.

All the rest of you... first get some help. Secondly, stop blaming others for your mistakes. Own up to your faults, and accept responsibilty for your actions. SuperMom isn't gonna be around forever to get you out of a tough and sticky situation. You are the reason that you are in the predicament(s) you are in now. Don't ever,

EVER,
EVER,
EVER,
EVER,
EVER

expect any help or assistance from me for anything... especially for some bullshit you never should have been involved in the first place. I don't hate any of you, but I don't like any of you either. Sounds bad, but it's the truth. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and I still wish the best for you.
If you get your acts together, maybe things will change. If not, I know I'll survive... I always have.


Oh... I miss my grandmom. I'll go and see her on Wednesday. She'll make things better.

Talking in my sleep and crazy dreaming

I have a tendency to talk in my sleep. I didn't know I was a talker until I was in college. For the most part, prior to college I was sleeping in a bedroom by myself, so I had no idea I would be talking while sleeping.

In my freshman year of college, my then roommate would ask me what I was talking about last night, and I would be like, "I don't kow what you are talking about... I didn't even see you last night." He said he would have entire conversations with me while I was sleeping.
I know now, I often dream about having conversations with various people and I'll sometimes wake up still thinking that I am talking to them and I'll actually be talking as if someone is there with me.

I know all this sounds so weird... but you can feel free to laugh- I won't be offended.
My dreams are really crazy. As of late, I dream of the catostrophic end of the world and of ghosts/demons attacking me. A few nights ago, I had a dream that something evil was repeatedly busting me in the head REAL hard with one of my own pillows and I couldn't move or fight back.

Last night I dreamt I was at my family reunion, and for some odd reason, I had a distance cousin come and everyone was excited that he was there. The funny part about this cousin was that he was Japanese royalty (no one in my family lives outside of the continental US) and super hip. He had on the best pair of fresh, colorful NIKE Dunks that I have ever seen. He noticed me noticing them, and cuz took them off to let me have them.

Cuz brought his soon to be wife along to the reunion with him and introduced her to me. The fiance whispered something in my cuz's ear and he gave me the ill screwface, then snatched his kicks back. I asked him why he would do something like that and he told me that his girl said she knew me from when she worked at a nearby mall and I used to come in and try and mack on her. Cuz was pissed.


(And please forgive me because I am writing as my thoughts are coming in my head verbatim... I hope you can all understand what I wrote). It's just me on one of my rants.
I hope I don't say anything in my sleeping state while someone is around that I will regret later .














And yes, I still am listening to BEP's Monkey Business... it's HOT!!!!

She stopped to peek at my PEE PEE

So I'm in a Costco, in Baltimore of all places, doing a bit of shopping with some friends. We are buying some supplies for a party that a friend of mine was throwing that evening.

I had to pee really, REALLY bad, so I left my friends for just a sec to relieve myself.
The restrooms were clearly marked. Yes, the men's room and women's rooms were right next to one another, but they were clearly marked for any and everyone to see.

So I go into what seems like an empty bathroom. I jump right into the 1st urinal that I see. And booooooooooooooy did it feel so good to let it flow! WHEW!

I hear a shuffle in one of the stalls... I stand my ground. No one needs to see me with my head flung back and drool sliding out my mouth while I'm tinkling.

I hear a woman's voice. I immediately tense up. I say to myself, "Self... there is a female in the men's room." I can't just stop midstream! I just faced the wall in front of me and contiued peeing.

Why should I stop? She is in the wrong place, not me. Didn't she see urinals in on her way to the stalls? Did she notice the place didn't smell womanly like roses and honey, but more manly like pee and flatulance?

So she walks by and apologizes, while she scurries out. I am looking at her exit with my peripheral vision (the side of my eyes) and I see her leave... then approximately 4 seconds later, she sticks her head around the corner of the exit to peep my man's and dem out.

I'm not at all bashful, but I thought it was funny so I laughed. But I find it kinda gross. That lady got her rocks off by scoping my piece or watching me urinate. I don't know... I'll never know. Maybe she should get in contact with R Kelly... I hear he's into that.



Just thought I'd share.